"In local news, Buster broke into a couple of houses over the weekend, and made a sweet haul he plans to share with the community. He intends to give back a portion of each score. Be sure and show him support whenever you run into him around town.
"Billy Bob had a real fine rape this week. He enjoyed himself immensely and said he plans to look into the possibility of making it a regular thing. Watch out girls! (wink, wink)
"The local mob discussed allowing residents to vote on whether they will fork over 10% of their property this next year, or 8% this year, with the amount increasing by 10% yearly thereafter. The loot will be used to expand the concentration camp on the edge of town- without which, chaos would ensue. Be sure and vote- it's your right and duty!
"In international news, crime bosses from both sides of the Atlantic met to work out details of how they will use you as slaves and divide the spoils among themselves. They have promised each other to not take action against each other, personally, and to not rob each others slaves without working out some sort of deal first."
That is how most "news" sounds to me. It's utterly sickening that people believe it is somehow less repugnant when the bullies call themselves "government".