Monday, July 25, 2016

Hating, without vengeance

(Previously posted to Patreon)

I admit, I have a hard time not hating certain people.

One of those is the guy my older daughter Cheyenne was with for about five years. In fact, she had only gotten away from him about a year before she died, and it was mostly due to him that I didn't see her the last 6 years of her life.

My relationship with him started badly. I texted with Cheyenne constantly, but soon after she got with him, I sent a text to her and immediately got an angry phone call, demanding to know "Who is this?"

I'll let you in on a secret- I utterly despise jealousy, considering it an early step on the path of abuse. I know, because I have lived through it on the abused side.

Well, I laid into him. He made excuses and tried to justify himself, and apparently considered this an apology, but he never changed. It was implied that I didn't like him due to "racism". when that wasn't even a consideration. If you know me, you would know how laughable that is.

During all this my contact with Cheyenne got very sporadic- almost to the point of being nonexistent. The 700 miles between us, and my lack of a reliable vehicle made that even worse.

He refused to let her have her own cell phone, even though she made her own money. He kept her off social media. I have the feeling she didn't get the things I sent through the mail- as she never acknowledged them. The few times I got to talk to her, she defended him. As did her mom. My ex wife said "He's OK... once you get to know him". My son cut off all contact with his mother and sister because of the guy.

After Cheyenne got away from him, I actually started being able to talk to her again. She started posting pictures of herself and her kids on Facebook. She found a wonderful man who made her very happy and treated her well- taking her out hunting and fishing and treating her like a dad wants to see his little girl treated. And treating her boys as his own. They were planning a visit to come see me this summer.

I had pretty much scrubbed the abusive jealous guy from my mind (even though he is the father of one of her boys).

And then she died in the car accident. That changed more than you might think.

Now my ex wife says my son was "100% right" about the jealous, controlling guy, and she's sorry she let him come between her and her son. But my son isn't yet ready to forgive- even though I have warned him he will regret it if he doesn't. His mother is a decent person, mostly. Even if she is a statist who says I'm "crazy".

I feel the jealous, controlling guy cheated my younger daughter and me out of sharing the last years of Cheyenne's life. I don't want to hate anyone, but I may hate him. When I think of him. Which I try not to do.

Even so, I wouldn't initiate force against him. I don't want him imprisoned or violated by police. I have no desire to see anyone "govern" him, although if he violates someone, I'm fine with them defending themselves from him. My personal feelings have no bearing on his rights, or the fact I would defend them. So, if I hate him, which I may, it probably only hurts me. It is something I'm going to need to work through.


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